In relationships, each partner does whatever they can to make the other feel safe, comfortable. Whether this is against human nature or not, doesn’t really matter in the end, does it? Various people, holding idealist philosophies may propose that we should always put ourselves first, and the chief and foremost persons one should love are ourselves. While some may seek comfort in this solace, the lifestyle cannot perpetuate itself.
After being in a relationship where I was constantly put in positions that made me increasingly unsafe, I realized that people who are unwilling to compromise and regard one another, as equals couldn’t possibly love themselves. Carrying so much self doubt that you feel the need to dominate others will not only cause your relationships to deteriorate but your life to be a constant sea of self-loathing and destruction.
Nevertheless, sometimes we find ourselves holding onto these people, splintering relationships, just because we see the good and want so badly to make everyone in the space comfortable. I have recently found myself holding on to memories of the good times, grasping at straws in my mind to avoid seeing the truth.
When the truth is a gleaming face with dazzling eyes and pearly white teeth it is hard to let go. Holding on, moving on, letting go, is a horrendous ordeal that we force ourselves to go through when we choose to let someone enter our lives, the intimate knowledge of someone only deepens the longing, the pain, the blinding cataracts that befall us in unhealthy relationships. I am not saying that one should be afraid to commit, let go, grab a hand, have sex, even fall in love but remember to cherish yourself, not above everyone else, but enough to know, to see, when you’ve been misguided.
Making space for someone in your life is hard and facing someone who feigns making space for you is even harder but in the end we learn how to love, or at least to care and make room, because love is a scary word for me. Giving someone a home, a place in your bed, in your closet, in your life, may be the equivalent to falling in love. While giving someone your heart and your body may seem like acts of love, it’s a compilation that guides us to who we want to be with.
Allow someone to make room for you, give them a chance to let you in, but if they seem to continue to forsake providing a shelter, a home, a haven, reconsider the place you have given them on your mantel. Discovering whom you want to devout time to and who will do the same is a challenge, we spend our whole lives seeking out what will give us the most intense pleasure and what will make us most happy.
In the end, I think what will make one most happy is sharing the love you have for yourself with someone else, giving them not just a pillow, a drawer, a home but a piece of your essence. Find someone who wants to give this to you and who you want to reciprocate this with and you may just have it, that big scary word, or at least a partner to fill up a shared life.